U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
