My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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