You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
