Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
