Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i drank out of a bidet.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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