I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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