She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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