can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
