Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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