Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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