i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
