Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
