You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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