I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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