I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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