Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's always time for handjobs
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Randomize
