Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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