Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
