I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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