listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Randomize
