You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
