please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
