If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
