You're completely useless in the revolution.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
