the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
