So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
