It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
