before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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