if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My Higher Power is John Stamos
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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