I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
