my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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