So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
