It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
