I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's shark week go big or go home
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
