I am puke
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Vodka?
Forever.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
