Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
