He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
