just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The chlamydia really affected his face.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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