nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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