Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
