grandma shit on top of the toilet
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
