i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
