Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
