I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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