I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
