I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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