soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
