shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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