My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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