Dual....:-)
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
