By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
