it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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